Are You Helping or Enabling Your Emerging Adult?

A question I often hear during consultation calls is, "How do I know if I’m helping my emerging adult or enabling them?" It’s a tough one because the line between helping and enabling can be blurry. But my response is usually the same: Are you parenting from your gut, or are you parenting from the anxious chatter in your head?

More often than not, parents are operating from that anxious chatter—and for good reason. Today’s pressures and constant worries about our emerging adults’ future can make it hard to connect with our natural instincts. But when we rely on anxiety to guide our parenting, we lose touch with our intuition, the very thing that helps us make the best decisions for our children.

Here’s why you might be stuck in that anxious cycle and how you can reconnect with your gut:

1. Understanding the Anxious Chatter

The anxious chatter in your head is that voice that constantly questions whether you're doing enough—or doing too much. It's driven by fear and guilt. When you parent from this place, you may find yourself over-involved or overly controlling, trying to solve every problem for your emerging adult.

But this approach can lead to enabling behaviors. By stepping in too often, you might be preventing your emerging adult from learning how to navigate challenges on their own.

2. Reconnecting with Your Intuition

Your intuition is the quiet voice that knows when to step in and when to step back. It’s the gut feeling that tells you what your child truly needs at any given moment. Unfortunately, many parents have become disconnected from this powerful inner guide because they’re so caught up in managing the day-to-day stresses of parenting.

To reconnect with your intuition, start by quieting the anxious noise. Take a moment to pause, breathe, and listen to what your gut is telling you. Trust yourself to know what’s best for your emerging adult, even if it doesn’t align with the immediate impulse to jump in and fix everything.

3. Knowing When to Help vs. Enable

So how do you know when you're helping versus enabling? Helping means offering support and guidance without taking over or doing it for them. It means allowing your emerging adult to struggle and make mistakes, knowing that this is how they’ll grow and learn.

Enabling, on the other hand, involves removing obstacles or solving their problems to keep them comfortable. While this might bring short-term relief, it prevents them from developing resilience and independence.

4. Parenting from a Place of Trust

Parenting from your gut means trusting your emerging adult’s ability to figure things out, even if the path isn’t always smooth. When you lead with your intuition, you’re able to offer the right kind of support without stepping into enabling behaviors.

If you find yourself questioning whether you're helping or enabling, take a step back. Ask yourself: Am I acting from fear and anxiety, or am I trusting my gut? The more you reconnect with your intuition, the better equipped you’ll be to support your emerging adult in meaningful ways.