How to Know When You’re Enabling Your Emerging Adult’s Mental Health Symptoms and Preventing Growth

As your child navigates the phase of emerging adulthood (typically between 18-25), they’re faced with developing independence, managing responsibilities, and navigating complex emotions. While it’s natural to want to support them through challenges, there’s a fine line between helping and enabling. Sometimes, parents can unintentionally enable behaviors that prevent their young adults from developing resilience and independence. Understanding the distinction between support and enabling is crucial, especially when mental health symptoms are involved.

Below, we’ll explore signs you might be enabling your emerging adult’s mental health challenges and offer guidance on how to support them without hindering their growth.

1. Recognizing When Support Becomes Enabling

Enabling behavior occurs when help is extended in ways that prevent personal growth, inadvertently reinforcing avoidance or dependency rather than encouraging self-reliance. It’s rooted in good intentions; you might want to prevent your child from experiencing stress or discomfort, but in doing so, you may also be keeping them from learning how to handle adversity.

Signs You May Be Enabling:

• Constantly Rescuing Them from Challenges: If you frequently step in to handle responsibilities or problems they could potentially solve on their own, it might be preventing them from gaining confidence and learning problem-solving skills. When you repeatedly do something for them they can and SHOULD be doing for themselves, you take away their purpose.  For example, if they struggle with anxiety and you consistently make phone calls for them or handle appointments, they may miss out on opportunities to develop coping skills.
• Excusing Repeated Avoidant Behavior: Mental health symptoms like anxiety or depression can make it difficult for them to fulfill certain obligations, such as school, work, or household chores. But if you excuse repeated avoidance of responsibilities (e.g., allowing them to skip work without consequences), it can reinforce the belief  they’re unable to function independently.
• Sacrificing Your Own Well-being: If you find yourself constantly drained by accommodating their needs—financially, emotionally, or physically—you may be overextending. For example, if you’re paying for their living expenses while they’re not making efforts to find a job or pursue education, it could unintentionally foster dependency.

It’s essential to provide support that empowers your emerging adult rather than undermines their ability to manage life’s demands. Recognizing these signs is the first step to making changes that encourage growth.

2. Differentiating Between Support and Enabling

The difference between support and enabling often comes down to how much responsibility you take on for them. Support allows them to lean on you when necessary but encourages self-sufficiency, while enabling can prevent them from learning to manage life independently.

How to Provide Support without Enabling:

• Encourage Gradual Independence: Support your emerging adult in taking gradual steps toward independence. If they have social anxiety, for instance, encourage them to make small decisions, like ordering their own food or making one phone call a day. Acknowledge their successes, but allow them to navigate situations on their own.
• Set Boundaries and Expectations: Establish clear boundaries to avoid falling into enabling patterns. For example, if they struggle with time management or motivation due to depression, set reasonable expectations that help them move forward. You might say, “I’m happy to support you, but I expect you to meet with a counselor and work on specific goals for the future.” Boundaries signal you’re there for them, and they also have responsibilities.
• Empathize Without Over-Accommodating: Show understanding of their struggles without taking on the consequences of their actions. For example, if they miss a deadline due to mental health challenges, you can empathize without attempting to fix it for them. Empathy without accommodation respects their agency and encourages them to confront the reality of their choices.

3. Encouraging Personal Responsibility and Growth

One of the most effective ways to prevent enabling is to encourage your emerging adult to take responsibility for their mental health. While some symptoms might make daily life more challenging, there are ways they can take proactive steps toward managing these challenges.

Ways to Promote Personal Responsibility:

• Encourage Therapy and Coping Skills: Therapy can be an essential part of learning how to manage mental health symptoms. If they’re not in therapy, consider discussing the option with them. Normalize therapy as a tool for growth, and, if possible, offer support in finding a professional. If they’re already in therapy, encourage them to practice the coping skills they’re learning in real-life situations.
• Promote Self-Care and Wellness: Mental health is greatly influenced by lifestyle choices, such as sleep, exercise, and nutrition. Encourage your emerging adult to engage in daily self-care practices that support their well-being. For example, you might say, “I’ve noticed exercise really seems to help your mood. Maybe you could go on a walk or try a workout class?” Promote self-care without forcing it, allowing them to see the benefits for themselves.
• Encourage Goal-Setting and Accountability: Helping your child set achievable goals and check in on their progress can be empowering. For example, if they’ve been hesitant to start working, encourage them to set small goals toward job-seeking, like updating their resume or applying for one position per day. This gradual accountability builds confidence and shows them they are capable, even in small steps.

Personal responsibility doesn’t mean they have to tackle everything alone, but it does mean they take ownership of their mental health journey, with your support as a guide rather than a solution.

4. Seeking Support for Yourself

Supporting an emerging adult with mental health challenges can be demanding. It’s important to seek support for yourself, too, so you don’t become overburdened or burned out. Joining a support group for parents or seeking counseling can provide you with strategies for navigating your role effectively.

Why Your Well-being Matters:

• Maintains Healthy Boundaries: Taking care of your mental and physical health enables you to set appropriate boundaries. When you’re well-supported, you’re better equipped to offer support that’s empowering rather than enabling.
• Prevents Resentment and Exhaustion: Balancing care for your emerging adult with self-care prevents resentment from building up. It also models a healthy lifestyle for them, which can encourage them to prioritize their own wellness.
• Provides Objectivity: Talking to a professional or trusted friend can provide perspective and objectivity, helping you understand the difference between enabling and supporting.

When you take care of yourself, you set a positive example of self-respect, balance, and resilience—qualities that will inspire your emerging adult as they strive for independence.

Navigating the line between support and enabling with an emerging adult who faces mental health challenges requires patience, empathy, and a willingness to self-reflect. It’s natural to want to shield them from discomfort, but allowing them to face manageable challenges builds resilience and independence.

By providing constructive support, encouraging personal responsibility, setting boundaries, and seeking help when needed, you can foster an environment where your emerging adult feels empowered to take charge of their mental health journey. Striking this balance not only respects their capacity for growth but strengthens your relationship, paving the way for them to grow into a confident, self-sufficient adult.