Managing Expectations When Your Emerging Adult Moves Back Home

One of the significant steps as our kids transition to adulthood is their moving out of the family home. Yet the journey to independence is not always linear. Many emerging adults find themselves moving back home after a period of living on their own. Whether it's due to financial challenges, educational pursuits, job changes, or personal reasons, this "boomerang" phenomenon is increasingly common. For parents, this return can bring both joy and stress. To navigate this transition smoothly, it’s essential to manage your expectations.

The first step is to understand why your emerging adult is moving back home. This will help you approach the situation with empathy and create a supportive environment.

1. Financial Pressures: Rising living costs, student loan debt, or job loss can make it difficult for emerging adults to afford living independently.
2. Career Transitions: Changes in career paths, internships, or returning to school can lead to a temporary move back home.
3. Relationship Changes: Breakups or the end of roommate arrangements may result in the need for a familiar and supportive place to stay.
4. Mental Health or Personal Issues: Some emerging adults return home to regroup, seeking stability while managing personal challenges.

The foundation for successfully managing expectations when your emerging adult moves back home is open and honest communication. Before they move in—or as soon as possible after—have a candid conversation about how this new living arrangement will work.

• Set Clear Objectives: Understanding your emerging adult’s goals for moving back home can help you both manage expectations. Are they saving for a down payment on a house? Trying to pay off debt? Taking time to find a new job? Aligning on these objectives will clarify the purpose and expected duration of their stay.
• Establish a Timeline: While flexibility is important, having a general timeline for how long they plan to stay can help both parties avoid misunderstandings or frustration down the road. This timeline can be revisited and adjusted as needed.

Define Household Roles and Responsibilities

Living under the same roof as adults requires a different approach than when your emerging adult was younger. Defining household roles and responsibilities early on can prevent conflicts and promote harmony. Consider writing out a Family Living Agreement with the following points:

• Shared Chores: Determine how household chores will be divided. Will your emerging adult contribute to cleaning, cooking, or yard work? Discussing this upfront, and working together sets clear expectations and prevents misunderstandings.
• Financial Contributions: If your emerging adult is working, consider whether they should contribute financially to household expenses. This could include rent, utilities, groceries, or other shared costs. Even a modest contribution can reinforce the idea that they are an equal member of the household. You can always set it aside for their eventual move out.

One of the biggest challenges when an emerging adult moves back home is maintaining a healthy balance of independence and connection. Both parties need to respect each other’s boundaries to foster a positive living environment.

• Personal Space: Make sure everyone has their own space within the home. Whether it’s a bedroom, office, or quiet corner, having a place to retreat is essential for maintaining independence.
• Privacy: Respect each other’s privacy by knocking before entering rooms, not prying into personal matters, and allowing each other the freedom to come and go as needed.
• Social Lives: Understand your emerging adult may have a social life that doesn’t always align with yours. While it’s reasonable to expect courtesy and communication about late nights or visitors, it’s important to allow them the freedom to maintain relationships and social activities outside the home.

When your emerging adult moves back home, it’s easy to fall into old parenting patterns. However, it’s crucial to adjust your approach to reflect the fact that they are now an adult.

• Offer Guidance, Not Directives: While it’s natural to want to help, try to shift from telling your emerging adult what to do to offering advice when asked. This encourages them to take ownership of their decisions and actions.
• Encourage Independence: Support them in making their own decisions about work, finances, and relationships. Offer help when needed, but allow them to take the lead.

• Recognize Growth: Acknowledge the emerging adult has grown and changed since they first left home. Treating them as an adult, rather than reverting to old parent-child dynamics, will foster mutual respect.
• Create Adult-to-Adult Relationships: Use this time as an opportunity to build a new, adult-to-adult relationship with them. Engage in discussions about current events, shared interests, or even future plans. This can deepen your connection and make the living arrangement more enjoyable for both of you.

Dealing with Challenges

Despite the best planning and communication, challenges may arise. Addressing these issues early and constructively can help maintain a positive relationship.

1. Conflicting Expectations: If one party feels that expectations are not being met, revisit the initial agreements. Adjustments may be necessary as circumstances evolve.
2. Lack of Motivation: If your emerging adult seems complacent about their goals, have a conversation about their progress and any obstacles they’re facing. Offer support and emphasize the importance of moving forward.
3. Resentment or Tension: If either party begins to feel resentful, take a step back and reassess the situation. Openly discuss feelings and find ways to address concerns constructively.

Having your emerging adult move back home can be a rewarding experience, offering a chance to reconnect and support each other. By managing expectations through open communication, setting clear boundaries, and adjusting your parental role, you can create a harmonious living arrangement that benefits both you and them. With mutual respect and understanding, this period can be a stepping stone toward your child’s future independence and success.