Parenting Reframes After High School: Letting Go of Control
Mar 10, 2025
I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but parenting changes dramatically after high school. Whatever illusion of control you may have had while your child was in high school—guiding them toward college, making sure assignments were turned in, managing curfews—is gone. Once they graduate, your role shifts, and trying to maintain the same level of control will only lead to frustration and conflict.
The Hard Truth: You Can’t Control Them From a Distance
Many parents I work with are facing the same dilemma: Their emerging adult is off at college, but they don’t believe their child is mature enough to handle it.
Maybe your son or daughter is living in a fraternity or sorority house, partying every weekend, skipping classes, and making poor decisions. And you’re the one paying for it. Understandably, you feel frustrated, scared, and helpless—but trying to control their behavior from afar is not the solution.
The more you try to manage their choices, the more pushback you’re going to get. Instead of creating positive change, you may find yourself caught in an exhausting cycle of arguments, guilt, and resistance.
What You Do Control: Your Boundaries and Support
The good news? You still have control over how you show up as a parent. You can’t dictate their daily actions, but you can decide:
✅ What you will and won’t provide financially and emotionally.
✅ How you will respond to their choices.
✅ Who you will be in the relationship as they show you who they are.
For example, let’s say your son, Bill, is attending the University of Florida. He’s deeply involved in his fraternity, which would be great—except he rarely goes to class and spends every weekend partying. Meanwhile, you are footing the bill for his tuition, rent, and expenses.
If it’s driving you crazy, stop paying for it.
When Emerging Adults Have “Skin in the Game”
Many emerging adults treat college as a four-year party simply because they don’t feel the financial impact of their decisions. When parents continue to fund the lifestyle, there’s little incentive for change.
But what if they had to contribute?
- What if they had to pay for their own rent, books, or tuition?
- What if they had to take out student loans or get a part-time job?
- What if they had to take responsibility for their own choices, rather than relying on your financial support?
When emerging adults have “skin in the game,” they begin to see things differently. They are more likely to take their education seriously and make decisions with long-term consequences in mind.
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
If your emerging adult is showing you that they are not ready for the responsibilities of college, you have every right to stop funding their lifestyle. That doesn’t mean cutting off all support—it means setting clear, reasonable boundaries.
- Instead of paying for everything, consider covering tuition but not living expenses.
- Instead of funding their social life, offer financial help only if they meet specific academic requirements.
- Instead of trying to control their choices, shift your focus to guiding them toward independence.
At the end of the day, your child’s education and lifestyle choices are theirs to own. Your job is not to rescue them from their own decisions but to create clear expectations about what you will and won’t support.
You’re Not Alone—Let’s Create a Plan
Navigating this transition isn’t easy, and you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re struggling with setting boundaries, shifting your role, or figuring out how to support your emerging adult without enabling them, I can help.
Join my Empowered Parents of Emerging Adults support group, where you’ll connect with other parents facing the same challenges. Or book a Help Right Now session so we can work through your specific situation together.
