Setting Rules and Expectations with Your Emerging Adult: The 4 Cs: Clarity, Calm, Confidence, and Consistent Messaging

Parenting an emerging adult can be a complex and delicate process. This phase involves significant personal development and the quest for independence. As a parent, setting rules and expectations during this time is crucial, and utilizing the 4 Cs—Clarity, Calm, Confidence, and Consistent Messaging—can help foster a healthy and productive relationship with your emerging adult.

Clarity

One of the cornerstones of effective rule-setting is clear communication. When discussing expectations, be explicit about what you expect and why. Being vague can lead to misunderstandings and frustration for both parties.

• Be Direct and Specific: Instead of saying, "Be responsible," specify what responsibility looks like. For instance, "I expect you to text me if you aren’t coming home tonight" provides a clear, actionable expectation.
• Explain the Reasoning: Young adults are more likely to comply with rules when they understand the reasoning behind them. Explain the 'why'—for example, "I need to know when you'll be home so I don't worry. If I wake up at 3am to go to the bathroom and I haven’t gotten your text, I am going to worry and lose sleep."

Ensure the rules and expectations you set are realistic and attainable. Unrealistic expectations can set your emerging adult up for failure and lead to unnecessary conflict. If you don’t know what is realistic, ask a few trusted friends with emerging adults what they are doing and go from there.

Calm

Parenting can be emotionally taxing, especially when conflicts arise. Maintaining a calm demeanor during discussions about rules and expectations can prevent escalation and promote constructive dialogue.

• Take a Breath: If a conversation becomes heated, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts. Pausing can prevent knee-jerk reactions and allow for a more measured response. When you spiral with anger or anxiety, it causes them to do the same or to shut down and nothing gets resolved that way.
• Use a Calm Tone: Your tone of voice can significantly impact how your message is received. Speaking calmly and kindly, even when addressing issues, helps create a respectful and open atmosphere.

Both parents and emerging adults are navigating a transition, and emotions can run high. Recognizing and managing these emotions is key to effective communication.

• Acknowledge Feelings: Validate their feelings by acknowledging them. Statements like, "I understand that you're frustrated," can help de-escalate tension.
• Stay Focused on the Issue: Avoid bringing up past grievances or unrelated issues. Stay focused on the current topic to prevent conversations from becoming overwhelming or counterproductive.

Confidence

Show confidence in your emerging adult's ability to make good decisions. This trust can empower them and foster a sense of responsibility.

• Encourage Independence: Allow them to make choices and learn from their mistakes. Offering guidance without micromanaging helps build their confidence.
• Recognize Their Growth: Acknowledge the progress they’ve made and their successes. Positive reinforcement can motivate them to continue making good decisions.

As a parent, it’s important to feel confident in the rules and expectations you set. This confidence can help reinforce the importance of these guidelines.

• Stand Firm: While flexibility is important, standing firm on key issues shows that you believe in the rules you've set. This firmness can help emerging adults understand the importance of these boundaries.
• Lead by Example: Demonstrate the behaviors and values you expect from your emerging adult. Your actions serve as a powerful example.

Consistent Messaging

Consistency is vital in ensuring the rules and expectations are understood and respected. Regularly reinforcing these messages helps them become ingrained.

• Frequent Check-ins: Regularly check in to discuss how things are going. These conversations can provide opportunities to reinforce expectations and address any issues that have arisen.
• Repeat Key Points: Don’t assume one conversation is enough. Repeat important rules and expectations regularly to keep them top of mind.

Ensure all parental figures are on the same page. Mixed messages from different parents or guardians can create confusion and undermine the rules.

• Unified Front: Discuss rules and expectations with your co-parent or other guardians beforehand. Presenting a unified front ensures your emerging adult receives consistent messages.
• Clear Agreements: Make clear agreements about the consequences of breaking rules and ensure everyone involved enforces these consequences consistently.

Employing the 4 Cs can make this journey smoother. By communicating clearly, maintaining composure, showing confidence, and delivering consistent messages, you can foster a supportive environment that encourages responsibility, independence, and mutual respect. Remember, this phase is not just about setting rules but about building a relationship based on trust and understanding, guiding your emerging adult towards a successful and fulfilling adulthood.

Take the next step and download Kim's free guide on Setting Boundaries that Stick.