The Fine Line Between Love and Enabling: Parental Compulsion and Over-parenting

Parenting is a journey of love, devotion, and a desire to see our children grow up happy and successful. However, in the journey of ensuring their well-being, we often find ourselves wrestling with a need to do things for our kids based on our own emotions. While this need comes from a place of love, it can also lead to enabling behaviors and over-parenting. Let’s look into the reasons behind that compulsion, its consequences, and how to create a balance that builds independence.

Parents may feel compelled to fulfill their children’s needs due to experiencing some of their own traumas during their own childhood. The expectations and comparisons of society among other parents can also contribute to the need to make sure our children have everything they need or they want. The fear of being judged or looked at as inadequate can be a powerful motivator. Parents often hold onto a fear of their children experiencing failure or hardship. This fear can create a need to intervene and shield them from any challenges, that may hinder their natural growth process. And, let’s face it, when our little kids get bigger (older) the stakes are often higher. Constantly doing things for our emerging adults can undermine their independence.  They may get used to relying on your assistance, which then challenges their ability to navigate things on their own.  The ability to cope with setbacks and learn from failures is important for your son or daughter’s emotional and psychological development. When parents constantly make decisions for their children, it impairs the development of their decision-making skills and can have long-term consequences as they enter adulthood.

 
Parents can start by reflecting on the motivations behind their actions. Are you driven by a genuine need or by an emotional need? Identify patterns in your parenting behaviors. Do you find yourself consistently intervening in situations where your child could handle things on their own? Consider the impact of your actions on your emerging adult’s development. Are they thriving independently, or do they show signs of being dependent? Actively encourage them to take on responsibilities and make decisions that are appropriate for their age. Doing this will then slowly increase their independence and confidence. Instead of providing immediate solutions, guide your children in problem-solving. Help them review situations, explore options, and make decisions on their own. Set realistic expectations and deadlines for your emerging adult and understand that they will face challenges and setbacks which is part of the growth process.  Allow them to experience both success and failure. Embrace challenges as opportunities for growth and learning, and encourage your children to do the same.

The need to do everything for our children comes from a place of deep love and concern. However, it is important to recognize when this need transforms into enabling behaviors and over-parenting. Creating a balance between providing support and building independence is a fine line that requires self-reflection, conscious decision-making, and a commitment to the well-being of your children.  By breaking free from this cycle, parents can create an environment that builds the growth, resilience, and independence of their children, allowing them to grow into confident and capable adults.