The “Let Them” Theory: A Game Changer for Parenting Emerging Adults
Mar 24, 2025
If you’ve spent any time on social media, you may have heard of Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” Theory. It’s the idea that we need to let people live their lives without controlling or micromanaging their choices.
But what if I told you that the Let Them theory is a game changer when it comes to parenting emerging adults?
Your 20-something is skipping college? Let them.
They want to switch majors for the third time? Let them.
They’re figuring out life at their own pace, making decisions you don’t always agree with? Let them.
I know what you’re thinking—but what if they’re making a huge mistake?
That fear is valid. Every parent feels it. You’ve spent years guiding, protecting, and teaching them. It’s natural to want to step in, correct their course, and prevent them from failing.
But here’s the hard truth: Trying to control or fix their choices won’t help them learn to trust themselves.
Letting Them Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Care
Many parents worry that "letting them" means abandoning their role. But letting them does NOT mean disengaging or refusing to offer support. It means:
✔️ Stepping back instead of stepping in.
✔️ Setting clear, loving boundaries.
✔️ Sharing your perspective when they ask for it.
✔️ Being a safe, supportive presence in their life.
When you let them, you are saying:
"I trust you to figure this out."
And here’s the magic—when they know you trust them, they will come to you. Not out of obligation, but because they genuinely value your guidance.
How to Parent Without Controlling
If you’re struggling with the idea of “letting them,” here’s what you can do instead of stepping in:
1. Focus on Boundaries, Not Control
Rather than dictating their choices, set clear expectations around what you will and won’t provide.
For example:
- If they want to take a gap year instead of going to college, you can support their decision but clarify that they’ll need to contribute financially to household expenses.
- If they keep switching majors, you can express support while setting a limit on how many semesters you’re willing to fund.
2. Shift from Fixing to Supporting
Your emerging adult doesn’t need you to rescue them. They need you to believe in their ability to figure things out.
Say things like:
➡️ “I trust you to make the right choice for yourself.”
➡️ “I know this is tough, but I believe in your ability to handle it.”
➡️ “If you ever want to talk through your options, I’m here.”
This approach reassures them that you’re in their corner without taking over.
3. Prioritize Connection Over Correction
Parenting emerging adults is not about control—it’s about connection.
The more you try to control, the more they will push away. But when they know you are a safe place to land, they will come back to you—not because they have to, but because they want to.
Parenting at this stage is about trust, respect, and patience. You don’t have to agree with every choice they make, but you can trust their process. And if they stumble? You can be there—not to fix it, but to support them as they figure it out.
If you’re struggling with when to step in and when to step back, you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Join my Empowered Parents of Emerging Adults support group to connect with other parents navigating the same challenges. Or book a Help Right Now session so we can strategize together.
