Why Tough Love Isn’t the Answer for Depressed Emerging Adults
Mar 03, 2025
One situation that’s happening all over the country is parents struggling with an emerging adult who is living at home, dealing with depression, anxiety, or other mental health challenges. Many parents wonder if “tough love” is the right approach to push them forward—but in these cases, I don’t recommend it.
Tough love can work in some situations, such as when a young adult is resisting responsibility despite having the capability to be independent. But when mental health struggles are at play, cutting them off or forcing them into complete independence can actually backfire—leading to deeper isolation, increased anxiety, and even a complete shutdown of progress. Instead of pushing them away, the goal should be to help them build confidence and resilience through small, intentional steps.
What to Do Instead of Tough Love
Rather than issuing ultimatums, focus on a gradual, supportive approach that encourages them to take more responsibility for their life—at a pace they can handle.
1. Assess Their Current Capability
Before setting expectations, take a step back and honestly evaluate what they’re capable of at this moment. What have they managed in the past? What are they struggling with now? If depression or anxiety is making daily tasks feel impossible, expecting them to suddenly get a full-time job isn’t realistic. Instead, meet them where they are and start small.
2. Start with Manageable Steps
It’s easy to become frustrated when your emerging adult isn’t taking action, but the key is momentum—not massive leaps. Start with small, achievable tasks that help them regain a sense of control and self-worth.
- If they’re struggling with basic hygiene, a goal could be taking a shower three times a week.
- If they’ve been unable to contribute at home, a first step might be doing their own laundry.
- If they’ve been avoiding job applications, start with applying to just one job this week.
The key is not overwhelming them with expectations but rather helping them build success gradually.
3. Create an Incremental Plan
Once you’ve identified small steps, create a structured but flexible plan that gradually increases responsibility. This means consistently adding small challenges over time, always working within what they can reasonably handle.
For example:
- Week 1: Shower three times and clean their room once.
- Week 2: Do laundry and cook one meal for the family.
- Week 3: Apply to two jobs and complete one volunteer activity.
Each step should push them slightly outside their comfort zone, but not so much that it feels impossible.
4. Communicate Belief and Support
One of the most important things you can do is reinforce your belief in their ability to grow. Let them know:
✅ I love you and believe in you.
✅ I know you are capable of moving forward, even if it’s one small step at a time.
✅ I will be stepping back so you can step in.
This combination of encouragement and accountability helps them see that they are not alone, but also that you are not going to enable inaction.
Every Family’s Path is Unique
Every parent-child relationship is different, and I know how exhausting it can feel when you’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. Moving forward requires patience, flexibility, and a plan that is tailored to your emerging adult’s specific needs. The good news? Things can get better, and you don’t have to navigate this alone.
If you’re struggling to figure out what steps to take, let’s create a plan together. Join my “Empowered Parents of Emerging Adults” support group, where I help parents in your exact situation. Or, if you need immediate guidance, book a Help Right Now session and we’ll work through your specific challenges together.
